Uncle Edgar tried to assure me that the brown streak he had left on the chair had nothing to do with his faulty anal sphincter muscle, but instead it was related to a chocolate bar he supposedly just ate even though there was no evidence of such. I had little interest in validating such information.
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…and now back to your regularly scheduled program “101 Fun things to do with oatmeal”
I knew I was in love. I was taken aback by her intelligence, sense of humor, amazing beauty and the smell of cheese ravioli on her breath.
Lately I’ve been concerned about the economy and my job, but more importantly why my fifty year old cousin thinks its cool to braid his nose hair.
I think I might be apathetic, but it doesn’t matter to me.
She has about as much sex appeal as an eighty-year old woman with a curd of cottage cheese stuck to her bottom lip.
Like many I’ve been entertained greatly over the years by his movies. Here are some of my favorite quotes…
“I’m Buck Melanoma, Moley Russel’s wart.”
“Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face…Good day to you madam.”
“I just wanna know how one becomes a janitor because Andrew here is very interested in pursuing a career in the custodial arts.”
“Could you describe the ruckus, sir?”
Maitre D’: You’re Abe Froman?
Ferris: That’s right, I’m Abe Froman.
Maitre D’: The Sausage King of Chicago?
Ferris: [caught off-guard] … Uh yeah, that’s me.
Maitre D’: Look, I’m very busy. Why don’t you take the kids and go back to the clubhouse?
Ferris: Are you suggesting that I’m not who I say I am?
Maitre D’: I’m suggesting that you leave before I have to get snooty.
Ferris: Snooty?
Maitre D’: Snotty.
Ferris: Snotty?
I like cottage cheese. It’s tasty, good for me and doesn’t mess up my colon or my apostrophe.
I came across this story and its just plain funny. Enjoy! 
CENTERVILLE, Utah—John, a porcelain commode gunned down in an accidental shooting at a fast food restaurant’s bathroom, has died. His age was not immediately known.
The toilet was shattered by a bullet Jan. 12 when a man’s gun fell from its holster as he was pulling up his pants, police said. Police do not plan to file criminal charges in connection with the incident.
Christian Martinez, manager of the Carl’s Jr. where John was gunned down, held a memorial service Friday at the restaurant. He gave away bottles of John’s favorite toilet cleaner, Kaboom Bowl Blaster, to the eatery’s first 50 patrons.
A Bountiful flower shop provided a large floral arrangement.
“In all my years, I can say without a doubt that I have never delivered for a toilet,” said deliveryman Doug Graham, “but I thought it was the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. I got a kick out of it.”
Remnants of John hit and cut the gun owner’s arm, but he was not seriously injured.
Police blamed John’s death on the gun and style of holster the man was using.
“He was survived by the men’s urinal and wash sink,” said Martinez. “He left us way too soon.”
——
Information from:
Standard-Examiner, http://www.standard.net
Is there anything more frustrating that having just put on a fresh pair of underwear to realize its already begun to embed itself up your posterior. It just sets the wrong tone for the day. Unlike a jagged nail, loose boogar, or poorly placed nose hair a self-inflicted wedgie can be very frustrating. Thus my advice is that you should choose your undergarments wisely.